Ryanair to charge for farting
Thursday, 01 April 2010 00:00

Low cost carrier or Rip-off airline - depending on your point of view - Ryanair has found yet another way to extract money from 'passengers', or as Ryanair staff might say, 'to relieve sheep of their excess wool', this time it's a variable charge for farting, based on quantity and smell. Farting charges will have to be paid in cash before passengers leave the aircraft and missing or damaged fart detection sheets will be charged at the full rate of £15 or 15 euros.

Passengers on Ryanair flights are now being issued with 'fart detectors', these sheets of paper are placed on the seat under passengers rear ends. Ryanair's fart detector sheets start their lives pure white but change colour depending on the noxiousness of passengers' farts and quantity of fart discharged. For example a mild turkey dinner with sprouts and cauliflower would turn the fart detector sheet yellow, chicken Tikka Marsala turns the fart detector blue whilst beef vindaloo gives the maximum purple colour. The quantity of fart is determined by degree of penetration of colour as shown in the fart detector test sheets shown below.

fart detector sheet ryanair

The following examples show how charges for farting will be applied by Ryanair, in this first example a mild turkey dinner fart has been expelled, resulting in a charge of £1 or 1 euro for noxiousness, as shown by the yellow colour, plus a quantity charge of £3 or 3 euros because the colour extends into the second circle.

fart detector example

The second fart detection sheet example shows a typical chicken madras fart pattern, which would be charged £7 or 7 euros for noxiousness and strength, because it has turn the fart detection sheet purple which is the highest strength detected, in addition there will be a charge of £8 or 8 euros for fart quantity because the sheet has been coloured right out into the furthest colour band. That makes a total farting charge of £15 or 15 euros.

fart detection example ryanair

A spokesperson for Ryanair said that by encouraging passengers to fart before they flew, and fart again in the terminal building after their flight the company would be able to reduce the amount of air conditioning that was used during the flight and so use less fuel. This would reduce costs and the cost reduction would of course be passed on to customers.

In addition to smoke detectors in the toilets on all Ryanair aircraft new fart detectors will also be installed. The spokesperson said that the safety announcement before each flight would be modified accordingly and would now be . . . 'All toilets on this aircraft are equipped with sensitive smoke and fart detectors. It is an offence to tamper with the smoke detectors. Passengers will be changed for farting in the toilets'.

Charges will be applied from 1 April 2010 to any fool who travels on Ryanair before mid-day.

 



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