Gordon Brown's diary

Bully - me?

I just don't know what people are getting so worked up about. I may sometimes shout at myself, and curse myself but when I say things like "Why didn't I do that myself" I am not in any way or form or anything suggesting that the person I gave it to was not capable of doing it or didn't do it entirely to my satisfaction, no, I'm just muttering under my breath and asking myself questions.

Why would I do that? Good question but not one I'm going to attempt to answer today.

Sometimes I'm a bit clumsy, I have been known to stumble over carpets and try to save myself by grabbing for the nearset thing. It's not my fault if that happens to be someone tie or lapels, as long as I don't fall down and injure myself there's no harm done. I know that I fell once and in going down pushed a printer off the table, but that was an accident. There was no intention to send it crashing down, and it had absolutely nothing to do with anyone else who happened to be in the room at the same time.

Now, where was I . . .

 

This will sort out the Taliban once and for all

It came to me in a flash, brilliant, how brilliant I am. It's such fun saving the world!

The Taliban are our friends, oh yes. They have let me bring in all sorts of new rules and regulations here at home, all that ridiculous airport security, biometric passports - and all the time those fools, oops voters, oops idiots take it in like empty dustbins. All that is about compliance, doing what you're told . . . can't they see it, no, they really believe me. Fools.

But back to 'our friends the Taliban', it's a stroke of genius, yes, we'll pay them to be on our side. That's the answer.

How could I not have seen it before. I knew I remembered something from school about one of England's kings making friends with the Danes. We can do the same with those nice Taliban, I'm sure they will use the money to provide schooling for young girls and other really worthwhile projects.

So, that's what we'll do, make friends with the Taliban  and help them to improve their country.

Some facts to consider

In 991, King Aethelred "The Unready" was advised by Archbishop Sigeric of Canterbury and others to buy off the Vikings rather than fight them,  so 3,300 kg of silver was paid to the Vikings.

Just 3 years later in 994 they were once more bought off.

The Danes loved this idea, and took it to heart, after all why take risks when the Brits would hand over their silver without even a fight?

As you would expect the Danes kept coming back for more . . .

In 1002, then in 1007 when Aethelred handed over 13,400 kg of silver, and 1012, another 17,900 kg of silver.

In 1016 a further 26,900 kg of silver was collected nationally, plus a further 3,900 kg of silver collected from London was handed over.

Total: 65,400 kg of silver

 

 

   

Why didn't I go south as usual?

Oh diary, what got into my head, why did I not go south as usual? The weather in these remote northern parts of the UK doesn't really suit me. Well I suppose there has to be some way that those lakes get filled up. Scotland too - I was glad to get away and make the high life in London, lots warmer, fawning minions to do my bidding, why would one ever want to go north of Watford?

Starting to ramble on a bit, better try to concentrate, now where was I?

I hear dear Harriet has let her feminist fantasies get the better of her. Better make a note to issue a press statement saying I have full confidence in her abilities, that should get speculation going about whether or not she's going to keep her job. Should give the press something to keep them occupied for a while, they like red meat to get their teeth into.

Then there's Mandlebroth, what to do about him? For the time being he can continue to look good, but I must arrange a suitable downfall at the appropriate time. After all the man's had the bin bag before so it should not come as a big surprise.

Now, what are we going to do today, weather dreadful, rain pouring down, kids screaming, wife sipping coffee . . .

 

   

Lake district here we come

Late July; holidays approaching; let's hope it's better than the last couple of years, what with young whippersnappers writing articles and animals getting ill, in-fighting about who does what while I'm away it's best not to go too far.

Can't have people thinking I'm wasting fuel or doing anything un-green and there's no point going to the coast. Those incompetents forecast a barbeque summer and look what we got!

What are we going to do in the lakes? Those lakes are kept full by raid, I've heard there's plenty of it in that part of the country. Maybe we'll go further north, beyond the border into God's own country. Better not stay too long though, people might expect me to do things and that would never do. Scotland's fine, it keep sending people to Westminster - don't know how I could fill ministerial posts without them.

I wonder what people wear in the lake district? - better tell one of the go-fors to get some appropriate togs sorted out, don't want to be thought a towny. Must make sure we get somewhere near a top-class eatery with good shopping for Sarah and the kids, what are their names - Oh yes, here's my diary, I remember, now where was I . . . .

   

Dear diary . . .

What do you write in a diary and why bother, it seems pointless to put stuff down in writing to read later. But when I think of it some people have made loads of money from their diaries and got really famous, so perhaps it's not such a bad idea.

As expected that Norwich bye-election turned out just like the name suggested, 'bye bye' to another Labour seat, I suppose that's why it's called a bye election. Didn't really expect to win it, no point in wasting time on it, one seat either way is not going to make any difference at this point.  Must find out where Norwich is and why some people like to pronounce it in funny ways. Maybe it's a joke. I could do with some jokes to tell, it might make people like me.